Coming to terms with separation in marriage
A marriage separation is more often than not a time of great stress…
It doesn’t matter whether you initiated the break up or not there can still be feelings of deep regret that a relationship, that was probably loving and caring in the early stages, is now finally over.
If your differences are irreconcilable you have to make the effort to concentrate on matters that need your urgent attention in order to finalize your marriage separation and then quickly move on.
If however you both have made a firm decision to save your marriage and have resolutely committed to that undertaking then the rewards can be great. Such renewed partnerships can grow in depth, honesty and intimacy.
Marriage separation versus divorce
So, can separation save a marriage? Some people strenuously resist separation, thus adding even more stress into an already tense marriage.
Perhaps separation may be the best option for some troubled marriages, despite the looming shadow of divorce, when living together is obviously is not working.
However, can you make it work from a distance? A trial separation will go a long way in helping you decide the answer.
Couples who separate tend to find that without the constant daily conflict and bickering the lack of proximity to their spouse provides time to think, and solve problems.
Marital problems are often hard to resolve as they often get stalled by egos, fear and stubbornness.
Resolution can flourish as long as at least one partner is willing to keep trying. If the urge to always be right and not back down remains then it probably means that the separation will end in divorce.
Divorce, children, property and money.
A marriage breakup or divorce raises many issues. There are concerns such as your children’s security and custody and the allocation of chattels, money and property.
Then there are the issues of loneliness, dealing with mutual friends and in-laws, and concerns over finding someone else to share your life with.
It is important to keep reminding yourself that time is a great healer and that matters will resolve themselves in the fullness of time… just remain positive and know that you will survive this ordeal and come out a stronger person for it.
How to cope with marriage separation.
To start with you need to understand that feelings of loss, regret, frustration and confusion are normal reactions to a relationship break up or divorce. It is normal therefore that your levels of energy, productivity and motivation will be lower at this time.
As we have mentioned in some of our other articles, it is important that when you have marital issues you don’t try to cope with them on your own. No man is an island as the common expression goes. Confide in your friends, a counselor, or, only if appropriate, family… help is everywhere if you take the time to look for it.
Grief is a natural by product of a marriage separation, recognize this and allow yourself time to grieve about the loss of your dreams, the loss of companionship, and the loss perhaps of financial security and some of your mutual friends.
Like grieving over the death of a loved one, grieving over a relationship breakup can be just as traumatic. Allow yourself time to get over it, then move on. Be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.
Here’s some important marriage separation advice.
Endeavor to participate in as many of your previous activities as possible. Go for a regular walk, listen to your favorite music and mix with friends. Try and get back into a regular routine… it may not be the same as previously but it is important that you have some structure to your life.
Don’t rush into making major changes regarding property matters and so on. We have dealt with many people, who in a time of confusion over their break up, have changed jobs or locations.
Many of these people felt that the only way to get on with life was to run away from familiar places and people that reminded them of their lost relationship.
The great majority of those people subsequently regretted their haste when they realized that their loss had only been compounded by removing themselves from familiar surroundings.
Rather than running away from your loss make an effort to explore and cultivate new relationships and interests and above all look after your grooming and diet.
Analyzing the reasons.
After the initial shock of marriage separation most individuals will under go a period of self analysis. They will normally wonder what they could have done differently to avoid the separation and whether they were a major contributor to it.
They may even wonder if they married the right person in the first place. What really attracted them to each other initially? Were they ever compatible? Did either one of them change for the worse during their marriage?
There are many questions one could ask themselves in the pursuit of a reason for marriage separation or why their marriage failed, this procedure is part of the normal healing process and is a healthy step along the path to getting on with your life.
Just don’t dwell on matters of allocating fault, consider the questions and then put them aside and get on with living.
Will this be the end?
Not all marriage separations spell the end of a relationship.
However if you want to avoid a trial separation becoming permanent then you will need to establish an atmosphere that will bring about a positve and beneficial change in your relationship.
Relationship consultant and author Amy Waterman details simple techniques in her “Save My Marriage Today” guide as to how you should go about re-establishing your relationship before it is too late.