Do we want children in our lives?
This is a question that many marriage advisors suggest should be discussed and agreed on early in a relationship, even before marriage, so as to avoid conflict further down the track…
Many happy marriages have broken up because couples can’t agree on having, or not having, children in their lives. We believe that this should be a matter of constant review as circumstances do change and so do opinions and desires.
Marriage and children – how many?
It is not always realistic in the early stages of a marriage for a couple to decide on how many children they should have.
Raising a child is not an easy job. Along with the obvious sleepless nights, constant visits to the doctor, a curtailing of ones social life, affects on employment and business and so on, a child can also be a drain on a families financial resources.
Usually a couple doesn’t appreciate all these implications until they have a child. In the end a desire to have a family of three or four children often becomes one or two.
The best selling “Save My Marriage Today” guide covers the subject of marriage and children in detail.
Marriage and children – the effects.
Being a parent can be a tiring business, but of course it brings its rewards as well. One of the hardest things to deal with is the affect that children can have on parents romance and intimacy.
It is extremely important that a couple should not let their intimate relationship drift off into the ‘never never’ because of the need to accommodate their children’s needs and wants.
It is equally important for parents to openly demonstrate their love for each other as well as declaring their love for their children.
This is an essential element in the process of child nurturing and leads to a happier and more rounded child. The quality of a family relationship will have tremendous flow on effects on a child throughout their lives.
A marriage hardened by a lack of loving softness leads children to relate insensitively with others and also with themselves and in an endeavor to compensate it often drives them into pursuing, and entering into, totally unsuitable relationships.
The majority of parents say relationships with their kids are still among the most fulfilling aspects of their lives, sadly in many cases even more fulfilling than marriage.
The existence of children in a marriage doesn’t of course guarantee a happy or successful marriage. The plain fact is that marriage and children can be a volatile mix. Children add stress to marriages and even more so to bad marriages.
Very rarely is a couple going to agree on every aspect of raising a child. A comment that we hear time after time concerns the relationship difficulties, tensions and disagreements that are caused by the totally diverse attitudes that the individual parents have to discipline.
Parents need time to themselves.
Parents need to ensure that they spend quality time together (completely independent of their children) in order to maintain and nurture their marital relationship.
As parents ourselves, we know that it is sometimes difficult to do this, particularly when young children are involved. However even if it’s just 30 or so minutes at a time it will give couples a chance to catch up on the days events, or have a quiet drink together.
When you and your spouse regularly connect in a way that strengthens your relationship, you may find a refreshed vigor that will allow you to be better, more loving parents.
Divorce and kids.
In all likelihood, a parents divorce will be remembered as one of the most painful and difficult times in your child’s life. It is a massive psychological trauma that can have many unwanted emotional side effects and affect every aspect of their lives – at home and at school.
Consider the effects of divorce on children and always remember to keep the needs of your child before your own needs. Act as a unified front with your ex, even if you are no longer on speaking terms.
Define a plan for your parenting that will address your child’s needs and also (if possible) allow equal, or at the very least regular access to the children. This will help with the most important aspect of parenting, which is staying involved.
Extra support is available.
Are you are having difficulties in your marriage because of concerns about aspects of your own or your spouses behavior in relation to bringing up your children?
If so then it may be vital for the wellbeing of your marital relationship that you check out Amy Waterman’s excellent marriage guide “Save My Marriage Today” in which she provides the solutions to this and many other marriage issues.