Sex Is Good For You
Are you sex deprived? If so, why?
Sex is the thing that differentiates a romantic partnership from friendships. And it’s good for you! So, why are so many relationships sex deprived?
5 Reasons Why You’re Not Having Sex
Here are 5 reasons why you may not be having sex:
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STRESS
Stress can be a major “turn off” to your sex drive. And most Americans live a stressful life. Stress in general is not good for your health. It’s no surprise it’s not great for your sex life either.
Take a look at your life and prioritize what’s most important. Make time for your loved ones. And take time for relaxation and recreation. You may find your sex drive returning.
By the way, a significant loss can completely take away your sex drive. This is normal. If you or your partner experience a major loss be gentle with one another and allow time for mourning.
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UNDERLYING RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS
If you have problems in your relationship that aren’t being addressed, it will come out in the bedroom (or on the kitchen table, living room floor, bathroom…).
Resentment kills sex. I don’t mean to be sexist, but it seems that men are more willing to have sex no matter what. No big deal that we just smashed dishes, sex would be a great way to make up.
Women, on the other hand, more often indicate they can’t argue or have negative interactions and then “jump into bed”. Men don’t mind! Hey, sex is sex after all. What’s the problem?
If you have unresolved relationship issues, consider therapy. It may be good for your sex life.
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CONTROL
Women (yes, ladies) frequently withhold sex as a means of control and feeling power in a relationship.
You often hear that women are “the gatekeepers“. In fact, comedian Wanda Sykes does a hilarious routine about women going out in the evening without their vaginas – sorry boys I left it home tonight – and how different life would be, how easy.
Personally, I don’t get the withholding sex thing. It would be like cutting off my nose to spite my face.
The double standard is alive and well, though. Nearly every dating book you read will tell you that women should “hold out” on sex. I beg to differ but that’s a post for another time.
The point is, many women learn to use sex as a “bargaining chip”. For better or worse, this seems to be an ingrained pattern. Perhaps this is simply how we’re built and maybe it’s the result of conditioning and the overall disempowerment of women. Who knows.
In any event, this comes with a price. The price is RESENTMENT. No one likes being manipulated and controlled.
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KIDS
Kids in the house can really put the damper on your sex life. Part of it is the stress element I mentioned in #1. You’re exhausted at the end of the day and the kids are underfoot.
There’s another aspect. In some cases, a man feels insignificant once children are in the picture. It may be insecurity. Yet, some women turn their attention totally toward the children and disregard their partners. This is a mistake!
It is important to take time for the relationship. You need to spend time out together without your children. Try to have one evening a week, at least for a couple hours, that is your time. Get a babysitter. Go away for a weekend occasionally. If you find you never want to leave your child, that’s a problem.
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HORMONES
Hormone levels can effect your level of sexual desire. If you find you almost never desire sex, seek professional help. It may be hormonal.
Relationships Are Complex
If you are the one who doesn’t want to have sex, it’s your responsibility to get to the bottom of the cause and do something about it.
Relationships are complex. It’s likely that both individuals in a relationship bear some responsibility. There may be several factors involved.
You need to look at your feelings about the relationship and your behavior. Perhaps you can learn and grow or maybe you’ve outgrown the relationship.
If you treat your partner badly, don’t expect that they’ll feel “romantic” toward you. They won’t!
Consider what your partner needs in order to feel valued – and sexual. And consider your own needs. It’s not all about you. But it IS some about you.
A Story Of Infidelity
I once had an experience that is relevant to our topic today and I felt compassion for the person (although he didn’t know it).
I worked with a really good guy for years. He seemed like a “family man” and I respected the quality of his work and how he handled himself in general. One day he mentioned his marriage and how great the relationship was, except for one thing. I thought, “Oh no, here we go”. Sure enough, the one thing was that his wife didn’t want to have sex.
There’s only one reason a guy says this to another woman. I immediately nipped it in the bud by suggesting he and his wife seek therapy. About a year later (apparently he had recovered from our previous exchange), he approached me and asked when we could spend the weekend away together.
I can tell you he regretted the suggestion. After blasting him as to why he thought I would settle for such an arrangement, I asked if he had told his wife about how unhappy he was about the lack of sex in their relationship. I suggested he tell her he was considering having an affair because of it. Since he liked so much about her, I strongly encouraged him to seek therapy with his wife.
Now, here’s the point I’d like to make. I don’t know everything about their lives, but I felt compassion for him. I believed he was basically a good guy who wasn’t by nature “a player”. He simply was frustrated and wanted an outlet.
I wouldn’t have blamed him for having an affair, even though I don’t think it would have been the best way to handle the situation. We’re human and vulnerable and don’t always handle things in the most evolved way.
Are Men And Women Different?
By the way, it’s not always women who don’t want to have sex. Men are sometimes the ones who don’t want to have sex. It goes both ways.
As I alluded to earlier, men and women may be different in their needs. In general, women want a level of intimacy in order to enjoy sex. If you’re a man, you may want to consider this and make an effort to be kinder and more caring toward your lady.
If you’re a woman, put on something sexy and please your guy. Maybe guys really are more “visual”. Why not give him a treat now and then? He’ll appreciate the effort.
Your Thoughts
I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences of sex in relationship.
- Are women and men different?
- Are there justifications for having affairs?
- What factors contribute to decreased sex in a relationship?
- What can you do to improve your sex life?
Be well, and may you experience the best sex and best relationships ever!
