The strategy, outlined in this article, may seem too obvious or too easy to fix marriage. In reality, people find it hard to do…and the reason is not focusing enough on implementing it. But if they do, it’s so powerful that it brings immediate improvements into their troubled relationship.
Despite there are billions of different versions of marriage dramas happening in people’s life, each of them represents the same destructive processes which occur according to the same separation scenario toward its logical end – death of love and final estrangement between partners.
Paradoxically, exactly this sameness and predictability give us a hope: if the disease is common, then its cure can also be universal. And since many couples overcome such illness, it means others can do it too. Only desire, supported by knowledge and efforts, are needed.
The most important thing spouses should learn is that at any circumstances they must keep contact between them, not attack each other and not withdraw into themselves.
It’s not easy because biologically people tend to respond to an attack with their counterattack or just avoid the conflict. This fact points to both hardships on the way to fixing marriage and its ennobling meaning.
The main reason for majority of marriage conflicts is that gradually we stop seeing personality in our partner. We begin to treat them as a set of pleasurable and useful functions for us.
For example, the typical set of functions of a husband is financial support of his family, coming back home on time, taking out dustbin, giving presents and flowers, etc. The typical set of functions of a wife is cooking, housekeeping, showing tender passion and being ready for sex, etc.
When there are some failures in acting those functions which may occur naturally (everyone could be tired, ill or just out of mood), we get angry and resent.
Little by little we stop noticing and appreciating best points of our spouse – which actually caused us to fall in love with them – taking them for granted. Instead, we focus our attention on what we don’t like, what irritates us.
It’s interesting that even in stable and happy families spouses tend to notice and remember negative points of the other. And here lies a serious danger of losing vision of the whole which is not so bad actually.
Besides, if you think only about negative things, positive ones could be erased from your mind. But since tough times in our life don’t dominate over happy ones, so is with weaknesses of our partner that don’t dominate over their merits.
Compare two flows of thoughts. The first one is when you habitually think about what your spouse and your relationship are lacking of. Obviously, such thoughts cause disappointment, annoyance and pain in you.
The second one is when you habitually think about what you like in your partner, what admires you and by what they attracted you before and now. Such thoughts elevate your mood and help to deal with troublesome moments.
It’s important to notice that admiration is exact antithesis to disrespect. Hence comes the strategy #1 for happy and healthy family life: don’t forget about any goodness related to your partner, cultivate positive thoughts about them.
You can make a list of all good qualities of your half and think about how your life could be poorer if they didn’t have those qualities. Then, whenever you find yourself thinking of your partner negatively, remember the items in your list.
When it becomes habit, you will discover amazing changes towards your better relationship, especially if you sincerely utter those thoughts to your spouse. And don’t get discouraged if they first react to your statement cynically – it happens for want of habit.